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Meeting of the Mindless By Sir Guillaume de la Belgique Finally, the new fighter realizes that he must make his own armor if he is going to "get serious" about participating in SCA combat. Of course, once a fighter's armor is complete, a certain amount of maintenance is required as anything that is beaten with a club two or three times a week is going to require repair eventually - except, of course, for major internal organs in a fighter's cranial region, which will eventually just cease to function due to excessive damage. (Author's note: While all of the references to fighters in the above text refer to them in the masculine sense, this is not an attempt to imply that women are incapable of participating in SCA combat. Most women, in reality, decline to participate because they are far too smart than to voluntarily experience hemorrhaging and contusions without the benefit of serious narcotics - and I say this with the greatest respect for Lady Eichling and my own dear Baroness Felinah, both of whom are at my home even as I write this column thinking of ways to increase the force of their head blows and probably removing vital rivets from my helm.) As much as I would like to hold an armor workshop to help all the fighters of the Known World maintain their armor and weapons, I can't because my garage is not that big. Instead, I would like to present a sample armor workshop schedule so that any fighter can hold an efficient and successful armor-making event. Armor Workshop Sample Schedule 4:45 p.m. - I arrive home after work and prepare for intensive and productive armor workshop. I clear the workbench of camping gear, gardening catalogs, Neil Diamond cassette tapes, portable stereo, Christmas lights, and coffee mugs. I arrange various armor-making tools so everyone will have easy access. 5:00 p.m. - Several fighters arrive and begin to unload suits of armor in various stages of construction or repair from their cars, then set out to begin Serious Work. 5:05 p.m. - One of the newer fighters announces that his goal at this workshop is to complete an entire suit of 13th century brigantine and mail armor with the material he has brought with him, but he is uncertain how the armor should be buckled. I tell him that I'm sure I have a book with some illustrations of the Battle of Crecy which he may find helpful. 5:06 p.m. - The entire armor workshop adjourns to my bookshelf to conduct "research" into various armor and weapons styles using such respected reference books as The Norman Conquest, The Chronicles of the Crusades, Mongol Warlords, Battles in Britain, The Complete Star Trek Companion, The Essential Calvin & Hobbes, Dave Barry Turns 40, The Ultimate Chocolate Cookbook, and The Art of Nude Photography. 5:45 p.m. - With several sketches of armor and several cups of hot chocolate, we decide it is time to return to the workshop to begin Serious Work. 5:50 p.m. - One of the fighters discovers he has forgotten the rivets he was going to use to repair his leg armor. He subsequently announces that he cannot finish the project and packs away his armor. 5:51 p.m. - Lord Wolfnoth arrives to proudly display his new director's cut DVD of "The Warlord" starring Charlton Heston. He also tells us that he is going to make himself a new helm in the style worn by Draco in the movie. 5:55 p.m. - The entire armor workshop adjourns for five to 10 minutes to view a short portion of "The Warlord" and offer advice on helm construction. 6:00 p.m. - After watching the opening scene of the movie, we advance the tape to review other sequences in the movie which are judged to be useful as armor-making references, such as the scene where the Frisians are burning the tower, the scene where Charlton Heston threatens to chop his brother into little pieces, and, of course, the scene where Charlton Heston rescues the pretty maiden from the evil clutches of her clothing. 6:45 p.m. - Feeling inspired by the fierce battle sequences, we return to the armor workshop to begin Serious Work. 6:50 p.m. - Another fighter discovers that the chin strap he had hoped to attach to his helm was forgotten at home. He announces that he cannot finish the project and packs his armor. 6:55 p.m. - Lord Acelin arrives with two full cartons of Double Chocolate Chunky Devils Food Fudge ice cream. The entire armor workshop adjourns to consume the ice cream because "we would hate to let it melt." 7:00 p.m. - We decide that two half-gallons of ice cream is not enough to feed the seven people present at the armor workshop, so we send a reconnaissance team to the local supermarket to procure two more cartons. 7:35 p.m. - Supermarket strike team returns with one carton of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream and one carton of Marshmallow Goo Supreme, along with three Sarah Lee pound cakes, two quarts of whipped cream and two jars of microwave hot fudge. 7:45 p.m. - As the hot fudge is warming in the microwave and one of the fighters is collecting cups for a second serving of hot chocolate, someone suggests we put in the videotape of the "Connections" episode about the Norman Conquest. 7:46, 7:48, 7:52, 7:57 p.m. - "Connections" tape is rewound and played repeatedly over the segment where James Burke uses the broadsword to hack apart a side of beef; the levels of shouting and cheering involved in each replay cause the neighbors to wonder if there is a game of Australian-rules football being played in the kitchen. 8:15
p.m. - The fighters decide it's time to return to the workshop and begin
Serious Work. ... Read more in "We Are Not Amused, Sir Guillaume!"
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